In the search of the meaning of Life...

Monday, March 31, 2008

a happy day

21:24

it's been really a long time since i feel really happy already. i have been feeling quite happy since the end of today's econs test. well, though i didn't really do well for my econs test as i think i could have done better if i had more time because i have the answer in my brain already, but just did not have enough time to transform ideas into words.

Well, i did not want myself to play today, so i purposely did not bring a spare shirt. But in the end, i sweated 4 times in the day. First was during the 1 hour break when i went to play basketball. 2nd was when after school, when i went to play basketball again. 3rd was when after a short break from basketball (when my shirt had somewhat dried already), i went to practise some basketball tricks with wangzhuo and molly and got myself sweaty again. and of course, my stink had also intensified as well. Anyway, for those who had endured my smelly body throughout the day, here is my apology. so sorry for being a distraction during lessons. Then the 4th time when i got myself sweaty again was when i was doing Maths tut 7b with wangzhuo and saw a bunch of old friends (ivan, jingxiang, mingchou, linky and many more) playing soccer.

Wangzhuo immediately chiong there and joined in. well, i tried to train my patience and perseverance by restraining myself not to go. But after a while, i failed, and chiong down to the field as well. i feel so good to play soccer again after 3 years of hiatus. i was so energetic despite having so much basketball earlier on that i could still run around with fast speed and scored a few goals as well :). There was this moment when i was tackling this female soccer player that i accidentally sprained my ankle. i can swear that she is not chio or attractive or electrifying or whatsoever that had distracted me, but just don't know why, i just stepped onto the ball when i was tackling her. it was a stupid and silly mistake, but i committed it nevertheless. Then there was a "Crack" in my left ankle and i was down. i pushed myself up immediately and hopped hopped and hopped. just hopped around for a while, hoping that it will alleviate the pain in my left ankle. But after some hopping, i think it was still CMI, so i resigned and sat down at the side. By then, i knew that i will not be able to play any games for the next 2 weeks...

BUT. But i didn't feel sad about it at all. maybe my ankle is fated to be sprained so that i could stop playing and make use of this opportunity to study. Anyway, when i was doing maths tutorial just now, i just felt very good when i looked around me and saw people at benches chatting, joking, mugging, then saw people playing rugby, soccer and softball at the field under the setting sun, and then realized that i am having progress at my maths tutorial (thought i was at question 3 only), i could feel the serenity around me. the serenity of school behind all these buzz.

maybe i am begining to like school, again?

i am having maths tut tomorrow, hope i will not get owned by bengbeng again, though i have already got smashed flat by her after her meeting with my mum.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

20:38

had a dream this morning and it was unfortunately ended by my mum's pats. for a moment or two lying on my bed and recalling what had happened in the dream, i felt geniunely happy.

it was a strange dream. it's strange why i feel really happy because the other protagonist in the dream was my current classmate.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

23:17

sometimes i wonder how powerful is the power of solitude, and i roughly know the answer tonight.

was feeling pretty down this evening, in fact was feeling very tired and moody the whole day, but no matter what i did, i still could not get rid of the feeling. so at 10.30, i decided to take a walk downstairs alone. as usual, letting the earpieces clinging to my ears, walking in the most leisure pace, feeling the gentile breeze and savouring every moment of the night, i found my usual place downstairs and sat down.

then i took out my phone and started jotting down my idea for PW. the few moments of solitude had just miraculously erased off all my moody feelings, and when it came to one of my favourite songs by Beyond, i suddenly felt very energised and refreshed. So i just stood up at that moment and took my leave and came back home. Then i took a cold bath. i feel good.

but then the thought of me lagging behind so much in so many subjects, the results of the previous tests and the looming of upcoming tests, i don't feel so energised anymore... :(

Sunday, March 23, 2008

22:29

Had a random urge to go down for a walk when i was having dinner, i guess it was my natural instinct at work again as i always have this urge whenever i have many thoughts in my mind and want to clear them up alone in a quiet place. so i went to the library, which is just a few-min-walk away. it was sad to say that tonight was my second time of the year coming to the library (though it is so near and convenient), it is such a waste of resources.

Anyway, i think i have not much progress lately (in these few months or half a year?), in terms of personal development or the amount of knowledge gained. Looking back, i have roughly found the focus of my life in sec 2 and this focus has been further concretised later on and the goal of my life is pretty much defined 1 and half years ago. i guess i am one of very the fortunate ones who is able to confirm the goal of life in secondary school, but then i realized that there is no use for me to realize the goal of my life early if no concrete action is done to achieve it. and well done is better than well said...

this is definitely not the first time that i moan about my attitude in life, and i think this will certainly not be the last time too (though i whenever i moan about it, i always hope that it will be the last time). so no, i will not ask too much from myself this time round. For now, just start a small momentum, and try to maintain it. and so, i have borrowed my favourite book, "Tuesdays with Morrie" again, hope that Morrie will give me new inspirations after my 3rd perusal of this book.

Friday, March 21, 2008

22:50

got this link from jiayun's blog:

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

and try it out if you have time :D

so i got the following results:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

wow, it is pretty accurate leh, considering that more than 80% of what it says concurs with what i feel of myself.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

22:44

It's Founder's Day. While the whole class went for cip, i was "detained" in the audi for 4 hours for the founder's day ceremony. luckily, it was not as boring as expected (last year's was extremely boring!), maybe the mood of merely an audience and a recipient is different? but then, i don't think it makes any difference la, the award is so insignificant, with more than 150 people getting it, and to be frank, i don't think i deserve the award. so yeah...

it's more interesting this year maybe was because the speakers were more engaging and more inspiring, and maybe i got to sit nearer to the stage this time, i gota closer view of the expressions of the speakers and the prize winners. Some prize recipients were really funny. Some were too nervous, the way they walked was like very weird, some very ganqiong, some walked like a duck, some just looked naturally humorous. Then when they bowed, there seemed to be a wrong coordination between their butts and heads that it made them looked like they were trying hard to squirm and do a hunched body wave. (i wonder if i looked stupid like them too, if yes, i would really look very funny i guess, lol)

Then for the level model student award, while the emcee was sharing the accolades of the awardee, the awardee had to root to the stage in front of nearly a thousand people for 1 whole minute. All he could do was to stone there and stare at the audience. the whole scene was so strange and funny that some awardees could not resist but to force some shyful smiles. The way which they tried to stifle their smiles lookded so funny that the audience just burst out in laughers...

Then rushed to redhill for the cip activity after the ceremony and joined the class. was quite energetic at first, but the lunch there just drained my energy out and i felt pretty down ever since. After that, most of us proceeded to the riverwalk near esplanade and had some bonding activities. but my heart just wasn't with the class, i just felt XXX (just don't know how to describe my feeling then). and i really felt sorry for them, especially marie who looked quite disturbed by the inert attitude of eehong and i.

Then i went home early for dinner as i did not want to waste my mum's effort. at around 9.30, i decided to go down and play some basketball, in hope of relieving my XXX state. But after playing for 40 mins or so, some auntie from upstairs just shouted from her apartment and complained that the thumping of my basketball was too noisy.

well, so no choice, i had to stop and left my XXX half dangling here.

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and right, my testimonial in the magazine which features all awardees is so disgusting. last year, the school asked us to change the subject of our testimonials from 3rd person to 1st person. As the testimonial was supposed to be the opinion of my form teacher, changing all the "He"s to "I"s simply distorted the tone of the entire testimonial. when i read it, every sentence seems to be boasting about myself, and i feel really disgusted by that. yucks. 没脸见人了...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

extinguished fire

21:28

everything goes on so smoothly in the morning.

I had my first enjoyable maths lecture today, where i didn't feel tired throughout the 60 mins, and i actually know how to do all the examples discussed and what the lecturer is teaching

i could feel the warmth inside me and the momentum that i am gaining

but then, just as everything seems so fine, my mood is totally dampened by BengBeng.

the first thing she said when i stepped into her tutorial class was, "Zhibin, you don't want to study already arh?" then followed by another shocking statement, "you only got 1 mark for your maths holiday test", then followed by, "i must call your mother".

i was like waDDA...

the tutorial followed after was like a wonderland, with me and eehong wandering about in the air...

just as i felt that i am getting my momentum for maths in the earlier lecture, the discouraging words of Bengbeng simply froze my kindling love for maths.

well, allow me to feel down for a few more days, wait until a day where the fire inside me can melt diamonds, then i will definitely want to prove something to Bengbeng.

Bengbeng, wait for me.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

22:27

very strangely and surprisingly, i look forward to school (despite having a history test on the first period of the first day of school) over the last few days of holidays. this is really rare.

maybe it is because of one particular reason.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

sigh...

23:04

my dad and i are always not compatible with my mum, 2 of us always quarrel with her. think that she is really too naggy, which all men hate.

well, just had a quarrel with her, in fact, she is nagging now while i am writing this, but who cares, too tired to bother already.

i always have this habit which she dislikes, which is to shower very late at night. this she claims, accounts for my frequent colds and flus. well, prior to yesterday, i always say that it was just a non-scientically proven claim, and so i just shrug off all her reminders and nags with that excuse. but unfortunately for me, there was one health programme showed on tv yesterday which said that showering late at night can indeed lower down one's resistance towards bacteria or diseases, which then easily leads to colds or fever or whatever.

then today, as she is backed up by a scientically-proven claim now, i cannot find any excuse to rebut her. but then, i still don't wana shower early as i want to finish all my things first before bathing, that is my habit. but then, my mum started nagging, and tried to force me to bathe. but i refused. though her intention is gd, i just don't feel like being controlled by her, so i refused. and she is pissed off, and nags. and now i am pissed off too. i become more rebellion as she nags. actually i wanted to shower soon, but i m so irritsted by her nag that i just don't want to conform to her. so in the end, we are having cold war now..

haiz... hope that my wife would be more undrstanding and less naggy.

Friday, March 14, 2008

self-acceptance vs personal growth, joy vs happiness, ego vs self-confidence

18:34

yesterday
5 hours of kboxing was exhausting

2 hours of conversation with tag was sumptuous as there was so much food for thought

today
happy birthday to someone whom i know, whom doesnt know me yet.

thx rachel "wink"

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

23:36

Almost everyone is kind of occupied with all the OG outings and CT outings throughout this March holidays. it's a bit disappointed that my class and OG do not have any outings, but nvm, we had our inaugural 4L outing today!

it is really very hard to get all if not most of the 4L members for this outing, but the appearance of 10 of them made me feel so touched and glad that the 4L spirit is still so strong. it really gave me the drive to organise another more meaning class outing in the coming holidays.

so we went to watch 10,000 B.C. together at Plaza Sing. then we went to take a group picture for memorial and after that, went to grab a bite on something. As a group, we then proceeded to Paradiz, the familiar place for Lan and pool, for a few games of pool. Of course, we had lots of talks, jokes, HAOs, LAOBANs, KONG ANNs and many many more throughout the whole outing. i realized that some inside jokes in 4L havent really been mentioned this year due to the co-ed environment, like Dong and Hao, shouting them loud again makes me feel so good...

Though watching a movie and playing a few games of pool is not something special or peculiar to all of us, as we have gone out together doing those before, but as we are no longer in the same class now, it is the sense of familiarity and harmony and easygoing-ness amongst us that make this outing so enjoyable. it just brings back the fond memories that we once had, and provides a sense of anticipation for another outing. it just makes us feel that we should treasure our friendship and the limited time we spend with each other more.

so here is our grp picture, whose background should be few women wearing bikinis, but due to jiayun's strong objection, we took it outside PS instead:

lol, as i m uploading this picture, i realize that we have indeed made a better choice for using this as our background instead of the bikini one. just look at the caption in the background, "Together with the best".

Sunday, March 9, 2008

20:03

Huangcheng wasnt as nice as what i have expected, i didn't feel anything after the play. maybe the only thing which touched me is the effort that every huangchengren has put? other than that, the storylines of the 3 plays do not have much entertainment and artistic value. didn't really set my brain into motions... but charlotte's "X" is good.

anw, huangcheng aside. eehong is down with fever, so i went to rachel's game alone. well, it is inevitable for me to feel extra as the only non-softballer there, it was quite enjoyable to watch the game nevertheless (though i still cant figure out the rules of the game until now) and watched our girl's team won. and another conclusion i can make after the game is that, softball is a very complicated game, it is so complicated that it cannot be more comoplicated anymore.

after congratulating rachel for her win, i strolled to excelsior shopping centre from padang, where i first received my education in singapore 8 years ago. it is certainly a place which i will never forget, the ups and downs that i had experienced during my tuitions there. it can also be said that that place represents my late childhood, and of course not to forget Avon Park (bryan, "wink" "wink"). anw, everything there seems to remain the same, the toilet, the shop, the smell, the people there still seem so familiar. But then, my tuition centre is no longer there, it is replaced by a shop selling drums now.

and the one who sees all these has become so much different now.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Beyond

21:21

There is a small Beyond frenzy in my class lately, actually not in our class la, just that i am extremely surprised to find out that Eehong and Ziang are actually Beyond fans, though their songs are in Cantonese which they don't understand. Well, it is really sad that the leader of the band, the vocalist, 黄家驹 passed away after falling from the stage in a concert held in Japan in 1993. Since his death, Beyond is no longer so active in the entertainment industry anymore... BUT, it still has many many fans, after 15 years, there are still 1 billion Beyond fans, and one of them is me. Though 家驹 is no longer with us and Beyond has disbanded, Beyond's music is always with us, our hearts are always with them because our hearts have been deeply touched by their music.

Beyond fan forever.

On a side note, i have been listening to Beyond for the past two years near End-of-Year Examinations. I must thank Beyond for motivating me and giving strength during my past EOY exams. Hope that i can derive some strength and motivation from Beyond again to overcome my current JC crisis... BEYOND!!!

a level

20:14

It's the release of A level results today and the school was filled with J3 seniors. Well, all of them wore casual wears and if i had not been informed that it's the release of A level results today, i'd have thought that they are some random visitors. they look so matured, i was wondering if they were as old as me...

anyway, congrats to hwachong for being the best JC again, and all the seniors who have obtained commendable results. Well, meeting our J3 seniors today has provoked some thoughts in my mind. Looking at the J3 seniors, i felt like seeing all my friends and i in 2 years' time. Looking at them reminded me of how quickly time flies as i could still remember how much i have respected them when i was in sec one, and some of them were the group leaders of my Sec1 One Orientation. They look much more smart and matured now.

Time really flies man, four years is just gone like that. and to my very horror, (Mrs Chin, why u wana remind us this?) 1/8 of my JC life is gone too, which is quite an unacceptable fact to me. And in this 1/8 of my JC life, i feel like i have learn nothing much, and instead, i have made myself more tired and bored of school, feel like draining my youth away... Well, i am old enough to undeerstand the importance of studying, especially these 2 years and the importance of having good results, BUT, i just don't know why i just cant pick myself up. This is indeed an irony to my personal statement which i set for myself a few years ago: on fire whenever i want. :(

well, i seriously need a study partner, and before that, i thk i need time to sit down alone at the beach or some quiet place to reflect and think and 调理自己的情绪.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

12:36

it's been almost 5 days since the lame terrorist broke free from prison. The fact that he had successfully broken himself out of prison and was able to hide from the eyes of more than four million people for more than 4 days (and still counting...) shows the capability of the prison breaker and the "capability" of the govt.

sry to be cynical here, i seriously cant believe that a limb can break off the impregnable prison and survived under such impossible condition (where whole chunk of armed forces is hunting for me and 8 million eyes are searching for him) for 5 days...