There is a mixture of feelings. I tend to (or attempt to) ignore the fact that the day is near so as to maintain my emotional calmness, the tranquility is always perturbed by overwhelming curiosity, excitement and anxiousness. Though people always say that everything's been settled, there is no point pondering over it, worrying about it, geting excited by it and etc.. it is really too hard to dismiss the fact that It is coming no matter how confident you are of your results. I believe 100% of the students receiving their results will get emotionally-affected in someway or another and to various extents.

For me, I've kind of been anticipating to know my results (no matter how bad it is) because i am just too curious to find out. 3 months of waiting is a long time, but it can also be short, seeing how it just passed us so quickly. but no matter what, our results gotta be known. For those who have done well, treat your results as a bonus to your hard work; for those who did not rise up to their expectations, treat it as a memorable experience of your life, get over it and seize the upcoming opportunities that are available so as to redeem your loss..

I certainly hope that i will get some bonuses for myself. But if harsh reality really smacks right onto my face, i also hope that i am mature enough to take things lightly. Reasons being: One, i did not work as hard as many others who consistently did their work and spent much more effort and time than i have which means i do not deserve to get as good results as theirs. Two, i believe there are always alternatives to reach my goals (although they are longer routes than those with shinier certificates), they are by no means unattainable, maybe just needa make more efforts that's all. Three, 塞翁失马，焉知非福, you cant make an absolute conclusion/judgement of your results, having good results doesn't necessarily mean one will lead a good life and vice versa.

so... hope the results will be out on fri, so that i am able to ponder over my roads ahead/ make solid decisions with the choices given to me..

just sent my parents to airport and from tmr onwards, i'll be totally independent.. This is somewhat different from previous times, as previous times was like my mum going back for holidays and would stay with us in sg most of the time in the year. this time round, things turned the other way as she only comes to sg to visit us a few times in a year..

it's a bit sad to realise that maybe tmr will mark the day of me detaching myself away from the arms of my parents, like quite completely. and the days of which my parents are always around me whenever i need them are becoming history.. it's a bit daunting and uneasy to think of this, i feel that i am a bit caught off-guard by this too. But i'm already very fortunate when compared to many others whose parents just dumped them in a foreign land since young and left them to grope and explore the various survival ways on their own...

and so very randomly, as i'm typing this post and surfing in fb, i suddenly miss my school days...

quite a dilemma, because there're too many things to note down from the moment i went back to china til now, i want to record down everything, but am always feeling lazy of writing so many things down... so yea, that explains the hiatus in blogging...

but, tonight is different. i suddenly feel quite sentimental after a long long time (since last year oct or sept?) now that what's to be done has been done, the A levels, Uni apps, finding a stable temp job, there is suddenly a sense of emptiness and uneasiness for me. maybe there're still many things which to be done which i've neglected. yea?

anw, have been training the endurance of my legs these weeks, have been walking and standing for long hours all day long due to the nature of different promoting jobs done, i get easily tired out these days, esp today when a morning of calli lesson and an afternoon of karaoke totally drained me out. i almost came to falling sick at 8+ if not for the timely fulfillment of my stomach at marina square with jd, xia and seet. maybe the exhaustion had transformed into waves of sentimental feelings when i got back? and now that i'm a bit moody, but have no mood to sleep...

8th nov to 23rd nov, 16 solid days, 16 days of stress, intensity and adversity, it's like the worst time of my life so far, with every moment doing everything that i detest. but the good thing is that, i persisted on, though there were times when i went out of focus, it was fortunate that i could still pick myself up and continue to trudge on. now that everything's over, i still cannot feel the feeling of 'all hells break loose' yet, instead, i am having a withdrawing effect, still in a semi-exam-state due to the strong inertia.

and i think i have no time to dwell on the post-exam mood now because i am leaving sg tmr morning. i'll miss the highly-anticipated prom and all the class gatherings (at least many of them). that's because i have to rush back to china for my expiring driving test which i started 2 years ago. and after that, i have to tidy up all the messy stuff back home in China which have accumulated over the years, that's why i have no choice but to skip the prom. it's a bit sad, but it's good enough to have the 2 years of memories, in fact 6 years, with me forever etched in my mind.

so, good luck to those who are still struggling with their As and for those who have already finished it, please do enjoy your freedom and do something meaningful. to all my friends out there, especially those close ones, thank you for everything that you've done for me, i really appreciate them. THANK YOU! and you know who you are ;)

it's comforting that most of my exams are over, just 2 more ahead. but this is just a tiny comforting notion which is belittled by my disappointment of my own performance. econs was really a blow today. the moment that i finished reading the question, i knew that it's gonna be very tough. and it was true indeed. it was definitely not my top form during that 2hr and 15min, and that's why i am feeling quite disappointed as i knew that i could have done better if i was able to switch to a better form.

anw, what's written here is just a way of mine to vent some of my feelings. there is no point feeling sad over this now since it's already over. hope that i'll feel better tmr and could find some energy in preparing for the last 2 papers. i think i have to re-adjust my expectations for this exam after so many tumultuous papers and weird questions. oh well, life doesnt end at A levels, As are just a small fry when compared to other more important things in life ahead. i think i'll be pretty prepared for what is going to come in March 2010, but nevertheless, i will still do my best for the remaining two

oh well, no time to lament after the test as it was another 4 hours of gruelling mugging for our beloved international history from 10.30 to 1.40. thk that's the worse mugging experience i've had so far. just imagine, have been lacking sleep these few days and waking up at 4+ this morning and the brain never stopped spinning, and had to increase to its top speed from 8 to 11, and now had to block off all the negative feelings about the chem paper and concentrate on the boring and monotonous history notes, and to fight against extreme fatigue and other temptations, it's really tough. tough. but 9 or so of us managed to pull through...

after taking a short nap 3 to 4 minutes before the history test at 2, i'm forced to resume to my exam mode again and the moment i flipped the paper and saw that the sbq was based on a totally unfamiliar topic, there were mixed feelings. first was, ahha, some interesting stuff. the second was, oh well don't needa moan, i have the advantage this time round since i didnt prepare much for sbq (and i'm sure most of us didnt know what is this Rio Summit was about), i took this as a reward since i'm still on the same leverage ground as others despite my indolence. so off we go and sit through another 3 hours of gruesome hours, trying to recall the limited stuff that we've learnt and thking of how to own the 3 so-unfamiliar questions that i've chosen. and oh well once again, we've gone through it. and now, gone with history (history as history itself, history as the subject, history as getting a decent grade for it...)

during dinner tonight, i felt so very hungry (because i only consumed a little breakfast and a small dish of cai fan as i asked to 减饭 several times lest i should feel sleepy and affect my history mugging) and i gobbled the food down the throat. was feeling a bit uneasy during dinner and the feeling intensified when i was bathing just now. then when i came out from my bath, i suddenly had this convulsion and then, the food just burst out of my mouth, from inside out... after a few rounds of waterfall, i felt better. much better and energised.

and here i am, penning down the happenings of this memorable day. flashing back, it was both exciting and miserable, which makes my Alvl memory more memorable.. haha. and now, i've got to start taking out my maths notes.

oh no, don't whine, everything will be fine..